I don't want to love somebody else...
The hardest part is saying goodbye.
Everyday I think about us, about what we could be and what we shouldn't be...but I've had enough. I want to start dreaming, I want to start believing and I want to start chasing after everything that I have ever wished for.
At times, I felt like I was on cloud 9. I felt like you were changing, and that you started to feel something, at least anything...my smile came easier to me, like it was more automatic..no force. I began to feel my heart beat harder when I saw you and I could see it in your face that the feelings were mutual. I thought we were finally heading somewhere, in my heart I believed that everything was coming together and that God was allowing this to happen. Every time I felt doubt, I believed that certain signs was God's way of telling me that it's okay to fight for what I want even if it may seem like the wrong thing. For a while, I believed God was on my side in this and now the tables have turned and things have changed. I began to realize things that I haven't realized before and my mood began to change and I began to feel like the smile on my face was harder to hold, and my heart no longer beat with yours. When I looked at you, I could see it was visible on your face too.
The connection was breaking, I began to pull away and I could feel you still trying to hold on. I could be reading all these signs wrong, but what I know and what I feel now is different than before. My heart feels heavier with anguish and pain hits me in uncontrollable waves when I realize that at some point I need to let go.
We both know it's coming but I don't want this to end. I know I have to for my sake, but my heart is telling me to keep going and hope that maybe he will change. But I can't keep waiting and I can't keep letting myself get hurt, wondering, wishing, hoping..
So this I write to you, so that maybe one day I can say this to you without shedding tears..
Dear you,
Lately things have changed. I'm not going to go with cliche statement of saying "its me not you" but in reality, its not me, its actually you. I let myself be okay with the fact that you and I would be nothing but friends...friends with benefits, and I let myself stop feeling more strongly for you. I put up a wall and I was doing just fine. Then all of a sudden, things changed and you wanted my company more. I found myself hanging with you not just once a week but everyday. The things you have done for me, giving me rides, making me dinner, and just merely doing nice things for me made me believe that maybe things were changing between us. That we were getting closer, and maybe that you were possibly feeling something for me other than just a girl you hang out with. As you grew closer, I grew closer. I started to let you in, my hands just wanted to touch yours and I was happy with this connection that was slowly growing stronger. When I saw you, I couldn't help but smile and you knew the same. At some point in this friendship, it started to seem like a good idea. I was happy with where we stood and things were going great.
One day walking down that street, things changed. My perception of you diminished and me thinking of you as someone that I looked up to started to shatter away. Believe me, it's not what I wanted but I felt like it was a sign and that sign gave me this epiphany that things are not as good as they seem. I began to feel like you were ashamed of me and you didn't ease my mind when I confronted you. That was the problem. I felt myself drifting away, my hand no longer wanted to hold yours, my heart was building up a wall made of solid metal. When I would see you, it no longer made me smile and I could tell that you witnessed it on my face and you couldn't bring yourself to smile if the feelings weren't mutual. I just didn't feel like you were the same. I began to feel like you were being more rude to me.. I felt like you weren't that interested in what I was saying about my life just from the tone of your voice, your facial expressions and your body language. I began to feel like things were different now and I didn't like it. I started to realize that I didn't deserve this kind of treatment. I believed that I deserved better...that I deserved to be treated with respect and to be treated special. All I know at that time and even now is that I deserve better and I wasn't getting that from you. And so it began, the feelings started to change and I just couldn't be the same around you. I found it harder to talk to you and harder to open to you. But at the same time, I couldn't seem to let you go. Even though I could feel my heart breaking, I had to stop those tears from falling down my face because I knew it would do me no good. I was hurt and you hurt me. I just had to tell myself that I could never change you and that I had to stop believing that I could. I had to finally tell you that things had to end and that things were over...but where do i start?
I think you started to notice the change in me. I could tell that while I was closing myself off from you, and you could tell. As my hands lay across my lap and my knees up against my chest, I could see your gaze drift towards me, taking in my body posture. Your hands moved to grab mine and I held your hand while you played with mine. It made me feel a little better that I didn't have to initiate it, but at the same time I just wasn't feeling the same things when we used to hold hands. I could tell you were trying to hold on, but what you didn't and don't realize is that I'm slowly being close to being too far gone. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel this way. I still think highly of you, I still think positive things about you and I still think you are a great person. I just don't think that we are good together anymore. I started to feel that you are holding me back from achieving what I want not by you telling me that I can't do it cause you always supported me and thats what i really liked about you but that I feel like I'm glued to you. I feel like I can't escape and I need to. I feel like I have some kind of voodoo that is on me, making me create decisions that revolved around you and I just can't do this anymore. Like I said, at some point, we seemed like a good idea and now I'm not so sure. I don't want to let us go. You were my first and Ill always remember you and Im doing this for our sake. Im ending this so that we can still remain as friends. I still care so much about you and I never will stop. I will always yearn for you and want to be with you but if you can't feel that way for me then i cant do this anymore. I have to start thinking about myself again. It hurts me so much but I have to start making good decisions for myself now. And I think it is to now let you go. I know its going to be hard seeing you in the studio after this is over but I think I will start to feel better and I can start moving on and you can too. I hope that you find the girl you are looking for. I just can't be hidden anymore and I can't be with someone who can't tell other people how much he thinks of how special I am. I want to be with someone who loves me, and cares for me and can't wait to flaunt me to his friends. I want our intimate moments to be love and I know that with you it will never happen. It's time for me to move on now.
As much as I try to bring up the courage to say this to you, my mind and my heart constantly screams at me saying that I don't want to love somebody else.
And maybe that's true.
Everyday I think about us, about what we could be and what we shouldn't be...but I've had enough. I want to start dreaming, I want to start believing and I want to start chasing after everything that I have ever wished for.
At times, I felt like I was on cloud 9. I felt like you were changing, and that you started to feel something, at least anything...my smile came easier to me, like it was more automatic..no force. I began to feel my heart beat harder when I saw you and I could see it in your face that the feelings were mutual. I thought we were finally heading somewhere, in my heart I believed that everything was coming together and that God was allowing this to happen. Every time I felt doubt, I believed that certain signs was God's way of telling me that it's okay to fight for what I want even if it may seem like the wrong thing. For a while, I believed God was on my side in this and now the tables have turned and things have changed. I began to realize things that I haven't realized before and my mood began to change and I began to feel like the smile on my face was harder to hold, and my heart no longer beat with yours. When I looked at you, I could see it was visible on your face too.
The connection was breaking, I began to pull away and I could feel you still trying to hold on. I could be reading all these signs wrong, but what I know and what I feel now is different than before. My heart feels heavier with anguish and pain hits me in uncontrollable waves when I realize that at some point I need to let go.
We both know it's coming but I don't want this to end. I know I have to for my sake, but my heart is telling me to keep going and hope that maybe he will change. But I can't keep waiting and I can't keep letting myself get hurt, wondering, wishing, hoping..
So this I write to you, so that maybe one day I can say this to you without shedding tears..
Dear you,
Lately things have changed. I'm not going to go with cliche statement of saying "its me not you" but in reality, its not me, its actually you. I let myself be okay with the fact that you and I would be nothing but friends...friends with benefits, and I let myself stop feeling more strongly for you. I put up a wall and I was doing just fine. Then all of a sudden, things changed and you wanted my company more. I found myself hanging with you not just once a week but everyday. The things you have done for me, giving me rides, making me dinner, and just merely doing nice things for me made me believe that maybe things were changing between us. That we were getting closer, and maybe that you were possibly feeling something for me other than just a girl you hang out with. As you grew closer, I grew closer. I started to let you in, my hands just wanted to touch yours and I was happy with this connection that was slowly growing stronger. When I saw you, I couldn't help but smile and you knew the same. At some point in this friendship, it started to seem like a good idea. I was happy with where we stood and things were going great.
One day walking down that street, things changed. My perception of you diminished and me thinking of you as someone that I looked up to started to shatter away. Believe me, it's not what I wanted but I felt like it was a sign and that sign gave me this epiphany that things are not as good as they seem. I began to feel like you were ashamed of me and you didn't ease my mind when I confronted you. That was the problem. I felt myself drifting away, my hand no longer wanted to hold yours, my heart was building up a wall made of solid metal. When I would see you, it no longer made me smile and I could tell that you witnessed it on my face and you couldn't bring yourself to smile if the feelings weren't mutual. I just didn't feel like you were the same. I began to feel like you were being more rude to me.. I felt like you weren't that interested in what I was saying about my life just from the tone of your voice, your facial expressions and your body language. I began to feel like things were different now and I didn't like it. I started to realize that I didn't deserve this kind of treatment. I believed that I deserved better...that I deserved to be treated with respect and to be treated special. All I know at that time and even now is that I deserve better and I wasn't getting that from you. And so it began, the feelings started to change and I just couldn't be the same around you. I found it harder to talk to you and harder to open to you. But at the same time, I couldn't seem to let you go. Even though I could feel my heart breaking, I had to stop those tears from falling down my face because I knew it would do me no good. I was hurt and you hurt me. I just had to tell myself that I could never change you and that I had to stop believing that I could. I had to finally tell you that things had to end and that things were over...but where do i start?
I think you started to notice the change in me. I could tell that while I was closing myself off from you, and you could tell. As my hands lay across my lap and my knees up against my chest, I could see your gaze drift towards me, taking in my body posture. Your hands moved to grab mine and I held your hand while you played with mine. It made me feel a little better that I didn't have to initiate it, but at the same time I just wasn't feeling the same things when we used to hold hands. I could tell you were trying to hold on, but what you didn't and don't realize is that I'm slowly being close to being too far gone. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel this way. I still think highly of you, I still think positive things about you and I still think you are a great person. I just don't think that we are good together anymore. I started to feel that you are holding me back from achieving what I want not by you telling me that I can't do it cause you always supported me and thats what i really liked about you but that I feel like I'm glued to you. I feel like I can't escape and I need to. I feel like I have some kind of voodoo that is on me, making me create decisions that revolved around you and I just can't do this anymore. Like I said, at some point, we seemed like a good idea and now I'm not so sure. I don't want to let us go. You were my first and Ill always remember you and Im doing this for our sake. Im ending this so that we can still remain as friends. I still care so much about you and I never will stop. I will always yearn for you and want to be with you but if you can't feel that way for me then i cant do this anymore. I have to start thinking about myself again. It hurts me so much but I have to start making good decisions for myself now. And I think it is to now let you go. I know its going to be hard seeing you in the studio after this is over but I think I will start to feel better and I can start moving on and you can too. I hope that you find the girl you are looking for. I just can't be hidden anymore and I can't be with someone who can't tell other people how much he thinks of how special I am. I want to be with someone who loves me, and cares for me and can't wait to flaunt me to his friends. I want our intimate moments to be love and I know that with you it will never happen. It's time for me to move on now.
As much as I try to bring up the courage to say this to you, my mind and my heart constantly screams at me saying that I don't want to love somebody else.
And maybe that's true.
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