I have made mistakes..

I always think back everyday and wonder if I'm making the right choices.
My heart feels heavy and tears fill my eyes.
Who am I? Am I making the right choices for myself?
Everyday I ask myself those questions..and my heart starts to feel heavy, and the tears fill my eyes as I try to breathe deep breaths.
I have made mistakes but I believe that each one I have made one day will make me whole.
What's the point of counting every one, hating ourselves for every wrong thing we have done.
Why should we let these demons take over our souls and drain us from our happiness.
I know that I should think differently.
I know the path I want to go but there are obstacles.
Obstacles that I have to climb over to reach the endpoint, but the question is, who will follow me?
Who do I want to follow me?
Who should I let go a long the way?
It's always so hard to let go, to move on, to let go of whatever is holding me back.
Everyday, I wonder if I should let him go.
But when my hands interlock with his,  and I kiss his lips, two choices drift into my mind.
That this is wrong and this is right.
But I don't know what to believe.
He makes me happy, he makes me want to believe in good things, in positive things.
He makes me want to believe in myself, to strive for my goals and to not be scared.
But oh am I scared. So scared of the road ahead.
I want him to be there but I don't know if its the right thing.
He shows me that it's okay to feel defeated as long as you learn from it.
He makes me appreciate myself, my body, my personality and all the flaws.
So much good in my life, yet there are always the bad things.
He hides me from the others.
He doesn't show me to others, he doesn't show his affection for me..
He doesn't show others the way he caresses my hand in affectionate circles,
He doesn't show others how he holds me tightly to keep me warm and secure.
He doesn't show others how he holds my face in his hands while he kisses me.
He doesn't show others his feelings for me.
It shouldn't bother me but it does, and I want him to show what he feels for me, and to prove that he doesn't care what others think and that he is not afraid or ashamed.
I try to hard to not feel anything for him.
To close the feelings that are seeping through so that I don't get my heart torn apart.
I'm afraid to show him how much I yearn for his touch, and lately my heart starts skipping a beat when he holds my hand.
 I'm so afraid, but I'm strong and if the tables are turned and he decides to hurt me.
I'll be prepared, cause in reality, things are too good to be true and I will be ready.
I have made mistakes but this time it will make me whole.

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