Promise

 I don't know where to begin. 

All around me, I feel a heavy burden of pressure. All encompassing, darkness swirling all around me, suffocating. 

Maybe this is why I need a release, and inevitably I take it on out on the vulnerable, making me the person I don't recognize. 

I tell myself not again, not today, never again. I inadvertently lie to my face. It's hard to not look at yourself and think what a horrible person you have become. Was this always me, waiting to be unmasked? Was it dormant, waiting for something in my life to change and awake like some beast?

The unspoken trauma, the suppressed feelings of anger, resent, betrayal, weakness and everything in between. Despite seeing some professional, I feel that I have not fully worked through it all. Maybe 10%. Some things remain unanswered. Some things remain forever buried, not realizing what kind of impact it has on me presently. Some that have come to realization, the damage that has been done, the damage that continues to occur, like a slow-burning fire, spreading slowly, building gradually and persistently across acre to acre, field to field, home to home. 

I want to feel enough. I want to feel deserved. I want to feel accomplished. But with this all encompassing pressure surrounding me, in every aspect of my life, I can never find peace. I have no relief, nowhere to go to allow myself to finally catch a breath and feel nothing at all. To feel happy with no weighing pressure. 

Its going to be my demise. 

Where do I go from here? I have said what I said. Felt what I felt. Released a bit of what is weighing on me. It's never enough but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped at all. It does, and it feels good to put it on paper, out of my mind and out to the world, where no-one will care to read it. Do I even want anyone to burden themselves with this? There are people out there with bigger problems, worse issues and here I am showing no gratitude with the lucky life I live. My eyes that don't see clear, trying to squint through the fog that forever blocks my vision. I'm an ungrateful person, not appreciating what I have, what many people would kill to have. 

What kind of person does that make me? As I already said, an ingrate person.

When I"m grey and old, I'll look back on these days and realize I had the power to change who I wanted to be then and it'll be too late. I tell myself this, but it's still hard to believe and realize at this moment. It's always when its too late that we decide we want to change, to go back in time and reverse what has happened and live the life that you know you could have had, if you just allowed yourself grace. 

Who cares what people think?

I don't know why I care so much. Why I must strive to please, beg from my knees, and do what others always wanted. I know I'm stronger than I realize, can have commanding presence, if I just allow myself the confidence I deserve, to allow myself to no longer fear failure and shield myself from the disgust and pity that I think people are showing so blatantly on their faces. 

Where do I go from here?

Well I start today fresh. Work through what I continually need to work through and try to be a better version of myself everyday. Give myself grace, give myself patience, and maybe I don't fully let go of anger, resentment and sadness, but I keep myself open to it. Find a physical release. Feel good about what I accomplished that day and find the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

I may not change, be better today. But I will be....before it's too late. Before my life on this earth ends. I will move on to the next world with no regrets. This is the promise I give to myself right now. 

We can do this, just believe it.