This Love.

Sometimes it hurts to hear the truth. Sometimes it hurts to hear what you don't want to hear. Sometimes it hurts to hear it from the person you love most.

I try and I try again, but somehow it goes unseen. All I ever wanted was to be everything you wanted me to be. All I ever do is think of what you would want, what I could do to make you happy and to put a smile on your face. But once again, it goes unnoticed.

I realize that I'm in love with the thought of love. I'm in love with the thought of falling in love. I'm in love with fairy tale ending. I'm in love with love. I realize now that I will never have the perfect love that I wish I could have. Perfect love comes with perfect expectations. Is that what I do? Is that what tears us apart? Is it one-sided?

I feel like I've done my part in this relationship. I know I'm a caring person. I know that when I love someone, I really love them. I love them with every part of me. I do whatever I can to surprise them with happiness. But I also know that I can behave in ways that can make the other person unhappy. But for me to be told I'm self-centered? Well...that can't be right. I don't believe it. I won't believe it.

Am I selfish? I don't feel that I am. Do I act like I am? I don't think I've really been told that I'm a selfish person. But maybe I'm not seeing who I really am.

We were celebrating a special event in our lives All I wanted was it to be perfect. Maybe that was the mistake. I shouldn't have wished that. I shouldn't have looked forward to it. Because looking forward to something, creates expectations, and expectations are destructive. Well based from experience, they are destructive.

It hurts me when I can't feel what I want to feel. Does that make me a child? Apparently so. I can't let the words of someone I love, tear me down. Because if I did, I would be broken into pieces.
And as I write this, my heart is broken down, scarred, badly bruised and broken. I listen to Lord Huron to give me peace. It gently ices my heart.

I don't know how much more I can take. I don't feel I deserve what has been said to me, what has been done to me. But I'm stuck holding on to love that I think is perfect to me. At times, it is perfect. And then this happens and it doesn't feel so perfect anymore.

I guess I'll have to decide if I can find a love that is perfect to me in the good times and the bad times. This love I'm in...I'm not so sure.

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