My standard of Beauty

It's been so long since I have blogged but here it is.

Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror and said to yourself "Wow, I look disgusting". Years ago, I would have said "meh..whatever". Lately for the past few months, I look at myself in the mirror and say "What the fuck..I hate the way I look".

It takes a lot of courage to see yourself, hate how  you look and try to do something about it. Sometimes I feel my insecurities comes from my past relationships. Every relationship I have been in has brought a insecurity I haven't had before. Should I be upset about that happening? Or should I be thankful that it has been brought to my attention? Maybe..I have had that insecurity for a while and that relationship opened that insecurity up for me to my conscious mind. I have a constant debate about it.

I see old photos and I say "Wow, I looked so good back then." But what is funny, is that back then, I probably hated my body then too. I realized that I will never be satisfied with my appearance. Why is that? Because I feel that there are always expectations for me to look good. I am struggling. I am in a vulnerable state these past months, probably years, where I haven't felt confident. I see every flaw on my body and I hate every one.

Sometimes I say "fuck it..I love my body. If a man doesn't appreciate my body and think I'm beautiful, who cares? I'll find someone who does." Again, those thoughts are only temporary. They never last long enough..my mood changes and I try to change the way I look to please others. Why do I have to please others?I should just accept myself who I am, for how I look, and try to be the best I can be. Well..that's easier said than done.

I know I can do this. I know I can lead a healthier lifestyle, cut out the sugar and salt and eat healthier. I want to be healthier. I want to feel healthier. I want to feel pretty. I want to be confident. Those are just words. It's the action that counts. I would know this.

I am so tired of hating myself, and trying to tell myself I look prettier than that girl walking down the street, or more beautiful than that girl my boyfriend is talking to and laughing with. I am prettier, I am smarter, I am better. It takes so much energy out of me, to shut out those thoughts. It takes so much out of me, to shut out those negativity.

But I feel like I can do this. I have the power to control my thoughts and actions. I will not let someone tell me I am not beautiful because I believe that I am. Even if I have to convince myself every time. I'm so tired of being insecure. I hate telling myself I'm going to change and give in to the temptations. I WILL NOT DO THIS ANYMORE.

I'm writing this blog, not for you but for me. For my sanity. I want to feel beautiful and look beautiful. I'm tired of wanting to look like others, rather I want to look like myself...I want to look how I want to look..using my own definition of what beauty is to me. If you don't accept that my definition of beauty, then don't waste my time. Fuck off and go be with your standard of beauty.

I will make healthy changes. I don't care what people say. And because of that, I know I will confident and I will feel good. I want to tell myself who is reading this, to not be afraid. To not give in to temptations, be yourself and never let any man or woman tell you, that you can't do it and that you aren't the most beautiful person in this world. Because God created you, and everything God created has it's own beauty.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Bullets

All the streetlamps she follows home, Darkness surrounds her in black smoke. Every step echoes like a whispering dome, Followed by a shadow of a cloak. Empty bottles lay broken on the street, And among the dark, angry clouds, Blood stained by a crow's feet, They whisper their avows. The cold wind blows right through her bones, Opening the gates, she follows through Bending down low, she stares at the clones, That are displayed for world view. Red tears stain the broken graves, Phone rings, and a rush of crows flew, Beyond the dirt lay hundreds of slaves, Drowned in a dark blue. But mercy becomes just a game, No longer played for fun, Pins and needles used for shame, The crows are shot with guns.
Read more

No More Second Chances...

Thump, Thump, Thump... Her foot smacked against the hard, dirty concrete and a moan interrupted the dead silence of the cold night. But she kept on walking, oblivious to the searing pain in her foot. Thump, Thump, Thump...mhpm... Again, a cry of pain echoed in the silence but she still didn't stop walking. She shrugged and tossed her dark brown hair behind her back and walked in a fast pace. Her foot smashed against concrete and the poor toes squished together in the tight space. Unfortunately for her right foot, six painful toes smashed together unpleasantly and a tearful cry escaped the extra toe. Hideous as it may be, the other toes gave it enough room to breathe. Still, the skin scraped against the inside of the shoe and the extra toe could feel its skin rip slowly. Blood smeared agasint the shoe and she cried out painfully. "Make the pain stop!! argaosidfl!" The extra cried out desperately, but the girl was so oblivious, that she didn't hear anything except a wei...
Read more

Just words on a page..

Let the breath leave my body as I exhale sorrow, pain, loss and heartbreak. Let fresh air fill my lungs as I inhale beauty, love and happiness. My body shakes at the thought of holding on to pure love and beauty, in the hope that when I spill my heart out to another soul and give everything I can offer, I will at least get the same in return. Perhaps when the stars align for me, a voice will whisper in my ear, with such gentleness and affection, the love will wash over me in warm soft caresses on my skin and I will hear what I always deserved to hear. No more meaningless words on a page, this time I deserve something special. No more of just a single rose, but rather a bouquet of every flower existed.  Perhaps in another world, good things will come to me. I used to desire you so bad, I used to yearn for your touch every night, wishing, hoping, dreaming about when those lips will be mine. Well the dream has come true and yet something is missing. This whole time I believed...
Read more