New Year
Quiet moments when I'm alone, all I can think about is how sad I really am. Sad in the sense that the decisions I have made for myself and what I am letting myself go through pitiful. Sad in the sense that even being with someone you thought you would fall in love with, brings you so much loneliness. Sad in the sense that this is who I am and what I'm letting myself become.
I had two terrible days where I have never felt so alone surrounded in a room full of people. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to break everything near me. Lastly I wanted to cry. I just wanted to cry so bad, let myself drown in my tears, let myself break and be in the most vulnerable state possible. I wanted a hand on my shoulder, I wanted his hand on my shoulder. When I turned my head to see, there was nothing.
Until this day, I have moments where I think about those days and the tears flood my eyes because I never had that chance to let them go. Every part of me is cracked, leaving an ugly scar that will never go away. I can't forget but I can forgive. I can forgive but I can't forget. When I see the photos of the good times that night, I feel cold. I feel like I should be there but I'm not. I feel upset, I feel irritated because while I was feeling emotionally alone, you were surrounded by the good people that I should have been surrounded with too. It was suppose to be a good new year.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. Why does this one night have such an effect on me? I should know why I feel so emotionally broken and physically hurt because I study psychology right? I should understand, but there are times where I feel like I need to reach out to others to help me deal with it. It has taken so much of my energy and I tried so hard to let it go, but like I said..I can't forget. I feel so cold and I just want to be alone, where I don't have to be near anyone. Nobody will understand. Nobody will ever really understand how much it hurts me. How much he hurts me.
Why do I let myself go through this? After being with him for so long, you'd think things would be getting better. But it's not. Soon I won't be able to take much more of this, soon I will end everything my heart says yes to. Yet I say it but I never actually mean it. I'm weak and pitiful because I can't even let go the very thing that could kill me. There are no more tears left to cry yet one always seems to find a way out and I don't even know where it even comes from.
All I can say is that I have to think of what's best for me. I have to make myself happy with my life. I have to let go of those that threaten my happiness. I have to be strong, and smart. No more of this sad and pitiful person that I see in the mirror everyday. I call it quits. I refuse to let myself go through anymore pain. I am done. I don't deserve it. I will always forgive, but I will never forget. I guess I get that from my mother.
I had two terrible days where I have never felt so alone surrounded in a room full of people. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to break everything near me. Lastly I wanted to cry. I just wanted to cry so bad, let myself drown in my tears, let myself break and be in the most vulnerable state possible. I wanted a hand on my shoulder, I wanted his hand on my shoulder. When I turned my head to see, there was nothing.
Until this day, I have moments where I think about those days and the tears flood my eyes because I never had that chance to let them go. Every part of me is cracked, leaving an ugly scar that will never go away. I can't forget but I can forgive. I can forgive but I can't forget. When I see the photos of the good times that night, I feel cold. I feel like I should be there but I'm not. I feel upset, I feel irritated because while I was feeling emotionally alone, you were surrounded by the good people that I should have been surrounded with too. It was suppose to be a good new year.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. Why does this one night have such an effect on me? I should know why I feel so emotionally broken and physically hurt because I study psychology right? I should understand, but there are times where I feel like I need to reach out to others to help me deal with it. It has taken so much of my energy and I tried so hard to let it go, but like I said..I can't forget. I feel so cold and I just want to be alone, where I don't have to be near anyone. Nobody will understand. Nobody will ever really understand how much it hurts me. How much he hurts me.
Why do I let myself go through this? After being with him for so long, you'd think things would be getting better. But it's not. Soon I won't be able to take much more of this, soon I will end everything my heart says yes to. Yet I say it but I never actually mean it. I'm weak and pitiful because I can't even let go the very thing that could kill me. There are no more tears left to cry yet one always seems to find a way out and I don't even know where it even comes from.
All I can say is that I have to think of what's best for me. I have to make myself happy with my life. I have to let go of those that threaten my happiness. I have to be strong, and smart. No more of this sad and pitiful person that I see in the mirror everyday. I call it quits. I refuse to let myself go through anymore pain. I am done. I don't deserve it. I will always forgive, but I will never forget. I guess I get that from my mother.
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