I'm not the only one..

How do you put into words thoughts and feelings? How can we truly define what we feel in a combination of letters? To be honest, words can barely even reflect my thoughts and feelings.
There are times where I feel so happy with where I am and there are times where I feel down. This is one of those days.
I haven't spilled my heart onto a blank page in a while, but today seemed like the day to start again. I never thought that I would be so close to saying the 3 most vulnerable words to someone again. I did it once before I even knew what love was back then and then I found out what love really was.

I knew back then that I was truly in love despite the fact that I was so very young and naive, regardless I knew. I spent about 4 years keeping in contact with him and it was a two way street. I cared and he cared, I loved and he loved back but it was a different love. It was a bond that never disappeared and I always felt so secure with that bond because he was the only one I could talk to and count on. But I don't know now anymore. He no longer talks to me despite everything we have been through. He ignores my messages and it hurts me because of how long we kept contact. And now that I"m so close to falling in love with someone else, I can't seem to want to say it that I may be falling in love. As much as I go over in my head, repeating the words in my head and how I would say it, in what context, at a certain time..I seem to try to forget it and tell myself that it's not true. There are too many negative feelings I have right now in our relationship that I don't think it is right to say it quite yet. If i were to say it, I know it would change things, I would get even more attached and then that would lead to worse heartbreak if things go down hill.

I have tried so terribly hard, put way too much energy on trying to avoid getting heartbroken. I've only been heartbroken once yet I've dated a few guys. I refuse to get hurt again but somewhere I'm starting to realize it is inevitable. I'm so tired of being disappointed, and let down but I refuse to give up. I try to think positively but there are days where I feel so small and all I want to do is hide from the world. But in a world so big, there is nowhere to hide. We are always vulnerable at some point in our lives. I wish I could fall completely and effortlessly in love, but maybe I'm not with the person I'm suppose to fall effortlessly in love with. All I can do is just go day by day and follow what my heart tells me to. Because at the end of the day, it must know what's best for me right?

I hope I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this.

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