All You Never Say To Me..
Here we go again.
I made myself believe that things were over. Ever since that day, when I began to feel things I have not felt in a while...the feelings that were buried underwater covered in chains and debris...I promised myself 2 years ago that I would not uncover them again. Yet here I am, drowning in those feelings.
I told myself that it was foolish to think of anything more with him. That I was a joke, a toy he plays with when he's bored. And for a split second, his words and the feel of his lips gave me the hope that maybe I was wrong. But as usual, I was the fool. As I grew fonder, as I grew closer to him; as I took several steps further; he did the opposite. He pushed himself away, made me believe that it was just one night forever ago. I was hurt, I was angry but mostly I felt like such a worthless fool to believe that maybe I could change him. What girl has not tried the same thing, has not attempted to do the same thing to him before. I was dreamer, a make believer, wishing for shooting stars; blowing out those birthday candles with the hope that my dreams could possibly be close to ever coming true.
I was wrong.
And so I decided to put up walls, boundaries, anything that could shield me from any hurt that could possibly tarnish and destroy me. I refused to let it happen again..reaching out to the ones I love, reaching out to the only man that remained constant in my life; hoping that maybe he can take away the pain from me regardless of the fact that he was thousands of miles away...I tried anyways. His heart that is already stolen by someone special...I tried, i reached out to him to find out that the pain did ease..a bit. But nevertheless, it wasn't the same. So the only thing I did was to stop all contact, and refuse any sort of communication. I was to start fresh and move on. And yes it began to work, my mind seemed a lot more focused, and I felt like I was becoming myself again. I swore to myself to not let any one change me, to make me feel worthless, to make me feel like I was nothing but a game. I vowed to myself to forget him. And it almost worked.
Maybe he picked up on it, maybe he realized I was slipping away from his grasp and was barely holding on by the fingertips....because back at it, here we go again. His words won't affect me the same way, but they still affect me. To hell with those words. If only I can burn them and make them disappear. I need to be free but I'm still pulled to him. I still dream of his lips and his arms around me.. I still dream about what it would be like for him to fall in love with me and to think of me as someone special in his life...to be the one person that could change him and make him feel like its okay to let down his guard and let me in. He doesn't realize that I will always support everything he does and I would never get in the way of his goals and his life and that I don't need to be his first priority as long as he loves and cares for me.
Deep down, I know he has some sort of feelings for me but he won't admit to himself. All the things that you never say to me, I will never know until you open up to me.
Because I won't keep waiting, I'll always be there but I'll move on because I need to protect myself and that's something i think you understand.
My dear, don't be afraid because I'm trying to be the strong one here
But I'm falling apart at the edges.
And maybe one day you'll find the one. And perhaps it may not be me.
But I'm not asking to be the one for you. I'm not trying to convince you that I'm the one for you. I just want to you be present in the here and now and understand what situation we are in and to come in terms with it.
I'm not asking you to spill all your hearts and dreams and to let yourself be completely vulnerable all at once. I'm asking you to stop shielding me away, and to stop lying to yourself when the truth is right in front of you. I want you to have faith and to live by your words of not caring what other people think.
I'm not one of those girls that you throw away. I'm different and I won't allow myself to be the one thrown away like an old pair of shoes.
I'm different and I know it.
And I refuse to be told otherwise.
I made myself believe that things were over. Ever since that day, when I began to feel things I have not felt in a while...the feelings that were buried underwater covered in chains and debris...I promised myself 2 years ago that I would not uncover them again. Yet here I am, drowning in those feelings.
I told myself that it was foolish to think of anything more with him. That I was a joke, a toy he plays with when he's bored. And for a split second, his words and the feel of his lips gave me the hope that maybe I was wrong. But as usual, I was the fool. As I grew fonder, as I grew closer to him; as I took several steps further; he did the opposite. He pushed himself away, made me believe that it was just one night forever ago. I was hurt, I was angry but mostly I felt like such a worthless fool to believe that maybe I could change him. What girl has not tried the same thing, has not attempted to do the same thing to him before. I was dreamer, a make believer, wishing for shooting stars; blowing out those birthday candles with the hope that my dreams could possibly be close to ever coming true.
I was wrong.
And so I decided to put up walls, boundaries, anything that could shield me from any hurt that could possibly tarnish and destroy me. I refused to let it happen again..reaching out to the ones I love, reaching out to the only man that remained constant in my life; hoping that maybe he can take away the pain from me regardless of the fact that he was thousands of miles away...I tried anyways. His heart that is already stolen by someone special...I tried, i reached out to him to find out that the pain did ease..a bit. But nevertheless, it wasn't the same. So the only thing I did was to stop all contact, and refuse any sort of communication. I was to start fresh and move on. And yes it began to work, my mind seemed a lot more focused, and I felt like I was becoming myself again. I swore to myself to not let any one change me, to make me feel worthless, to make me feel like I was nothing but a game. I vowed to myself to forget him. And it almost worked.
Maybe he picked up on it, maybe he realized I was slipping away from his grasp and was barely holding on by the fingertips....because back at it, here we go again. His words won't affect me the same way, but they still affect me. To hell with those words. If only I can burn them and make them disappear. I need to be free but I'm still pulled to him. I still dream of his lips and his arms around me.. I still dream about what it would be like for him to fall in love with me and to think of me as someone special in his life...to be the one person that could change him and make him feel like its okay to let down his guard and let me in. He doesn't realize that I will always support everything he does and I would never get in the way of his goals and his life and that I don't need to be his first priority as long as he loves and cares for me.
Deep down, I know he has some sort of feelings for me but he won't admit to himself. All the things that you never say to me, I will never know until you open up to me.
Because I won't keep waiting, I'll always be there but I'll move on because I need to protect myself and that's something i think you understand.
My dear, don't be afraid because I'm trying to be the strong one here
But I'm falling apart at the edges.
And maybe one day you'll find the one. And perhaps it may not be me.
But I'm not asking to be the one for you. I'm not trying to convince you that I'm the one for you. I just want to you be present in the here and now and understand what situation we are in and to come in terms with it.
I'm not asking you to spill all your hearts and dreams and to let yourself be completely vulnerable all at once. I'm asking you to stop shielding me away, and to stop lying to yourself when the truth is right in front of you. I want you to have faith and to live by your words of not caring what other people think.
I'm not one of those girls that you throw away. I'm different and I won't allow myself to be the one thrown away like an old pair of shoes.
I'm different and I know it.
And I refuse to be told otherwise.
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